


prove yourself

by dieofthatroar



Series: stuck inside, here's a ficlet [6]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 era, Emotional Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:34:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23304709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dieofthatroar/pseuds/dieofthatroar
Summary: It's Phil's first visit down south and Dan really doesn't want to fuck it up.He fucks it up.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: stuck inside, here's a ficlet [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1665151
Comments: 10
Kudos: 91
Collections: phandomficfests: escape from reality





	prove yourself

Everything was going wrong.

It was supposed to be perfect. Dan had agreed to Phil’s suggestion that Phil travel down south to visit when Dan was half-asleep and half-horny, listening to Phil’s voice rise and fall over the video chat in the way that made his eyes flutter shut and heart beat slow. It was a whim. A ill-thought-out smile and nod because he hadn’t fully let himself imagine what it would be like for Phil to visit Wokingham. Maybe, in quiet moments, he'd let himself hope it could be as good as the times he’d spent up north. The blissful time he could pretend to be another person, a better person, one that Phil really _did_ like. And maybe it would be nice, Phil seeing him here. It would save him money and get his manager off his back about missing more time. And of course, he wanted Phil with him no matter where—hand in his, lips on his, body in his bed. 

But none of that really mattered because, like everything in his life, it all went to shit.

It started that morning when his alarm didn’t go off when it was supposed to. He woke to the light in the windows and the bustle of feet downstairs and checked his phone.

_Phil: Getting on the train :3_

_Phil: Man with a funny hat next to me. His name is Hector!_

_Phil: Will arrive in an hour :]_

_Phil: Hector showed me a picture of his pet duck_

_Phil: Dan? … u alive?_

Shit. Dan quickly typed out a response and threw on some clothes. He had to leave now to make it to the train on time to pick Phil up. He looked around at his mess of a room, pants on the floor, bed unmade, and a wave of panic flooded through him. He wasn’t ready. He was supposed to make this place perfect for Phil but he couldn’t even do that. All he could do now was rush out the door and hope he could beat the train.

The bullshit continued at the train station. He got there in time, at least. But as Dan waited, scrolling through the last of Phil’s texts, seeing how well he could apologize through heart emojis, someone sat down on the bench next to him. Too close. He glanced up and started to shift over, but stopped when he noticed his face. Fuck, of course, he knew him. One of the gits he used to drink with a couple of years back.

“Howell?” he said. “I haven’t seen you for ages! How are you doing?”

Dan grit his teeth. The train was rolling in and he had no way of escaping. “Hey,” he said. “Not bad, you?”

“You know, I was just talking about you with some of the lads. You remember Sean and Sam?”

Dan thought he did, but he had also been blacking out at the time. He nodded. The passengers were getting off the train and he searched for Phil’s dark hair.

“Well, you remember that time we all went out to the woods and—”

There—Dan spotted Phil and his stomach did the thing it did every time they saw each other in person—halfway between wanting to laugh and throw up. He waved but didn’t move from his seat, this old acquaintance still chatting into his ear like they were actual mates. Dan’s mind was stuck somewhere between here, watching Phil wind his way through the crowd toward them, and a memory by a fire in the woods, trying not to cry at the words those gits were throwing at him.

“Hi!” Phil said when he got to them, all light and life in his voice. It took everything in Dan’s power not to jump up from the bench and collapse into Phil’s arms. Instead, when Phil leaned closer, Dan shifted back. Away from everything in his heart telling him to touch, feel, kiss. Dan didn’t miss the look of hurt that Phil quickly hid behind a smile.

“Hey,” Dan said. “Er—this is Paul. We went to school together. Paul, this is Phil.”

They shook hands. It was awful. Dan could see something in Paul’s eyes—maybe not an accusation, not the names they’d thrown around so easily before, but a question.

“Let’s go,” Dan said, putting his hands in his pockets. “We have—er—the thing to—”

“Right,” Phil said. He turned to Paul without hesitation. “Dan here helps me film videos. We have a lot to do before it gets dark! It was nice to meet you.”

Dan walked away before he could sink further into whatever hole he had started to dig himself.

It wasn’t any better when they made it back to his house. Phil hadn’t said anything about the texts or Paul. Nor about the way Dan had shied away from Phil’s touch, even when they were back in the privacy of his car, or about his silence in the drive back. Phil just talked about the train ride and the strange man sitting across from him and the funny way the sky looked like it was ready to burst with rain all day but just hadn’t done so yet.

But as Dan unlocked his front door and let them in, his father was on his way out. He didn’t even need to say anything—the look of vague disappointment left there from their last fight was apparent, as was the way he ignored Phil’s presence completely.

“Where were you?” he said, snatching the keys out of Dan’s hand. “I needed to leave half an hour ago.”

“I’m sorry—I though Mum said yesterday that I could borrow—”

“Well, today I needed the car,” his dad said.

Dan felt small. Felt like he was still in grade school, watching Phil dodge out of the way of his father’s simmering anger.

If Phil didn’t already think he was useless, he’d know for sure now. He’d be nice for this visit because he was Phil and he was always nice, but as soon as he was free of this hell he’d drop Dan. Forget about him and everything here down south, like Dan wished he could do himself. But Dan was defeated by stupid little things, every day. Things Phil probably would never have trouble with.

Dan would just have to bear it for now. He led Phil up the stairs to his room, shutting the door behind him, and sinking onto the bed. He couldn’t look at Phil. He couldn’t.

“Come here,” Phil said after he dumped his bag onto the floor. He didn’t look at the horrible brown walls or the infantile toys scattered over the floor. He just brushed his fingers over Dan’s cheek and bent down to kiss him, gently, on the lips. “I missed you.”

“Missed you, too,” Dan whispered. It was the truth, even if he wasn’t good enough for Phil’s attention.

Phil kissed him again, cupping his hands around his face and sighing into his mouth. Dan pushed himself against him, biting Phil’s lip as Phil hummed.

This. This was what he could do for Phil. The only thing that was sure to prove that he wasn’t only what this town made him. He wasn’t brown walls and brown furniture and memories going to sleep and never wanting to wake up. He could make Phil feel good.

And, now that his dad was gone and his mum was out with Adrian, they were alone in the house.

Dan pulled Phil down onto the small bed, flipping them over and climbing on top of him. Dan rocked his hips against Phil’s, feeling Phil react under him, before catching his lips in his again. He pushed his tongue in, growling, then licked his way down Phil’s neck and to his collarbones. He pulled Phil’s shirt over his head before he took off his own, then continued his track down his chest and stomach. Phil’s breath started coming out faster and energy surged through Dan down to his groin.

This was what he could do. Prove himself here, shut inside these walls, if he couldn’t out there. He wasn’t a broken, fuck-up.

Dan unbuttoned Phil’s jeans and then slid them down with his pants, watching the swell of Phil’s cock come free. He ran his hand over it, letting himself wonder at it for a moment before working it over. He gripped the length, then put his mouth on it, licking it from base to tip before taking it whole.

Phil groaned and Dan finally felt like he was doing something right.

Dan stayed down there until Phil’s insistent hand pulled his head up to take him in a kiss.

“You’re too dressed,” Phil said.

Dan took off his pants.

He sat on Phil’s lap, grinding down on Phil’s cock, feeling the slickness that his saliva had left there across his skin. Phil gripped him tight, leaning into his rocking motion, and encouraging him to keep going.

_Yes, Dan…_

More. Dan could more than this.

He kissed Phil then leaned over to yank open the drawer his bedside table. There, he had lube and condoms. He put one of the silver packets out on the bed before snapping open the cap of the bottle. He could feel Phil's eyes on him.

“Hmm, Phil,” Dan said, kissing him and pushing away. Phil blinked, mouth hanging slightly open.

Dan poured lube over his fingers, reaching between his own legs, starting to open himself up. They’d never done this before. Not done it—gone all the way like this. But they’d talked about it, late at night when it felt like they could say things and the memories wouldn’t make it till morning. Phil had said how much he’d like to enter him, how warm he’d feel and how good it’d be. How _real_ it would be, then. Them, together, being as close as they possibly could be.

Dan closed his eyes, reminding him of that feeling of being wanted. He gasped at the pressure, working his fingers in and out, remembering Phil’s voice over video when he’d mentioned it the first time. The lust in it. How much he sounded like he wanted it.

“Dan,” this Phil said. This present one, very real and very naked in his bed, watching Dan finger himself. “You don’t have to—”

“I’ve done it before,” Dan said, trying to sound as calm as he could. He _was_ experienced. Nights at parties that were never talked about afterword, tents outside Reading festival where all sound faded away, drunk fucks that made him feel both more and less of a man. Phil wouldn’t be his first. He said so.

“I know, Dan,” Phil said, putting a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “But you’re shaking.”

Phil was right, but Dan shrugged the hand away. “I’m fine,” he insisted, freeing his fingers and climbing back over to Phil. He looked over his exposed legs, up to his chest. He avoided looking at Phil’s eyes. If he looked, he might stop.

Phil combed his fingers through Dan’s hair. Dan closed his eyes.

“Come on,” Dan said, pitching his voice higher. Fluttering his lashes. “You know you want this. God, you’re so hard for it.” He palmed Phil’s erection. “You want to fuck me. Fuck me like I’m the whore you know I am.”

Phil’s voice hitched and his hips rocked into Dan’s hand. But then, the pressure disappeared. Dan blinked his eyes open.

“Dan,” Phil said. He was shaking his head. “You—you’re scaring me.”

Dan followed Phil, fitting his body against Phil’s again, hand on his chest, hips on his hips. “I’m not a kid,” he said.

“Dan,” Phil said. Dan kissed him, taking Phil’s erection in his hand again, guiding it towards him. “Nnh, please, Dan. Stop. _Stop."_

Dan paused. He'd fucked up. Of course, he'd fucked it up."I've done something wrong," Dan said. Phil looked pained. Fuck. Dan said in a lower voice, “You don’t want me?”

A noise escaped Phil’s throat, something between a laugh and a whine. “Of course I want you,” he said. “You know how fit you are. And—god, just look at you.”

Dan let Phil go, retreating just enough so he could really see Phil’s face. “Then why don’t we—”

“Not like this,” Phil said. “Dan—”

“Like what?”

“You don’t have to prove anything to me,” Phil said.

“I’ve had sex—real sex, with—with guys. Lots of guys,” Dan said, not knowing if that was the right thing to say. He needed to explain, though. Make sure Phil knew, for some reason. Some reason that had to do with the color of the walls and the echo of his name in another boy’s voice, stuck in his head. “I know what I’m doing. I’m not some fucking virgin, scared to—”

“I’m not saying you are,” Phil said. His fingers drew circles across Dan’s back and his breath whispered across his ear, pulling him close again. “I’m saying—well _, I_ just want to take it slow. I want to remember it all, every single new thing we do.” He put his forehead against Dan’s. “Is it okay if I ask we make it last?”

Everything Dan wanted to say was stuck in his throat.

“Because you are fucking hot,” Phil said.

Dan relaxed into Phil’s arms and found he didn’t have to say anything at all.

They started again. They took it slow. Phil kissed him and told him how beautiful his eyes were and how much better they were in person than on camera. The camera didn’t pick up the light that reflected off of them when they were this close, nor could they count every lash. Phil rested his head on Dan’s chest, saying how nice it was to hear his heart beat and feel the warmth of his body. And he was so, so warm.

Phil played with his cock like it was an afterthought, just another piece of this full body. But after a while, Dan found he didn’t even care. Every touch sent goosebumps across his arms and a tingle in spine. Each kiss he felt in his stomach and every rumble of Phil’s voice he felt in his chest. He forgot about who he was to those kids at school who called him names that may or may not be what he really was, and he forgot about the way his parents looked at him every time he had to admit he did another thing wrong.

The only thing in his mind was Phil’s arms and Phil’s scent and the affection in Phil’s voice.

It was vanilla. So fucking vanilla. Just small touches that felt good, then better, until they were breathing hard with their hands wrapped around each other, legs wrapped around each other and heads in each other’s shoulders.

“Dan,” Phil gasped. “Dan.

“Keep going.”

“You feel so good,” Phil said. And it was exactly what Dan wanted to hear—had he worked so hard for. It was the way Dan had _made_ Phil come apart. Had he deserved it? Had Dan done enough at all to allow him to enjoy the way Phil gripped Dan like he’d float away from the earth if he let go?

To Dan, at that moment, it didn’t even matter. He came in a spurt over their chests and the bliss whited out any thought he had except a single one: this was the most intimate thing he’d ever done with anyone.

Dan returned to himself just in time to be able to watch Phil stutter, “coming,” and come into his hand.

They breathed, silent, in each other’s arms for some time.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said into Phil’s neck. The air was starting to get cold on his sweat-slicked skin, but he didn’t want to move.

“For what?”

“For—” Dan didn’t know exactly what to apologize for. Waking up late? Being an asshole at the train station? His dad? Making Phil uncomfortable by insisting they have a certain type of sex? He didn’t know. Everything. But if he said that, Dan knew Phil would just say it was fine and move on.

When Dan didn’t answer, Phil just pulled him closer, the stickiness pulling on the skin of Dan’s stomach.

“Er—” Dan said.

“Yeah,” Phil said.

“Tissues?”

“Please.” Phil squeezed him once, tight, before letting him go. “But then we talk, okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about—”

“Not about anything,” Phil said. “Just… talk.”

Dan agreed, cleaning themselves up and tucking them both under his covers. They talked. Talked about Mario and videos and rain that never fell. About funny hats and what they’d name a dog if they got one, together. Dan talked, Phil laughed, and between the sheets, he didn’t feel like a fuck up.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm dieofthatroar on tumblr! Come say hi :)


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